


remember me

by kissdaniel



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Angst, It gets better I promise, I’m sorry, M/M, Phil Lester - Freeform, Temporary Character Death, danisnotonfire - Freeform, really sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 16:40:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14116542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissdaniel/pseuds/kissdaniel
Summary: dan and phil’s love had always seemed like something you’d see in the movies. their relationship was almost perfect; sweet and meaningful, tender and mature.everything changes when phil suddenly dies in a car accident, and dan is left with nothing but his own sadness and grief.but what seems to be the end, turns out to be only the beginning when phil gets reincarnated in the body of dan’s biggest enemy. he has been given another chance at life, but will he be able to somehow convince dan that he is, in fact, his deceased lover? and will it be worth it after all?





	remember me

**Author's Note:**

> hello!  
> so this is my first work that i’ve decided to publish and i hope it’s good enough for you guys to not hate it, or maybe like it, even.  
> i think there are gonna be three chapters in this story, the first one being told from dan’s point of view, and the other two - from phil’s.  
> please tell me what you think about this story down below! 
> 
> ~ aya

_i think it must be awful beyond measure to love someone so deeply and lose them to death. suddenly your heart aches for someone who is gone, and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to touch them or hear their voice again. all you have left is memories, and they always fade away. and when they finally do, you have nothing. as if they never existed._

_truth is, we’re only just a moment._

 

dan’s pov

the sky was abnormally grey on the day of the funeral.

the usually blue sky was completely covered by the dark clouds, resting right above the city. the streets were empty except for a few people, in contrast to the bright lights and chatter filling the air, which i was so used to. there would always be someone here, walking down the street, hurrying to get to their job on time. but not on that day. not on may the 8th.

on that day, the world was empty; colorless. it seemed as if every emotion had just been washed away with the morning rain; forgotten.

but maybe that was just me, though. now that the only source of happiness i’d ever known was gone, i wasn’t really sure how to feel or act. i didn’t exactly feel sad, i didn’t cry or break down. but that doesn’t mean i wasn’t broken.

deep inside, the heartache and the guilt and the pain were growing, taking control over my mind, body and actions. they were eating me alive, consuming me like a full course meal. and i couldn’t help but think that it was all my fault; that none of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for me.

surprisingly, a lot of people attended the funeral. phil never really was a popular person, so it angered me seeing everyone by his coffin; looking at their faces while they pretended to be sad. but i knew that they didn’t care. they never liked him to begin with. they never checked on him. they never talked to him. so why were they here all of sudden, acting as if phil wasn’t just another dead person to them? i wanted to kick them out of there. to scream at them, to show them how fucking depressed and angry i was; what it felt like to lose someone whom you’d loved so deeply it almost _hurt_.

i did love him. i still do, and i’m certain i always will. he was like a summer breeze; like the smell after the rain. his smile could light up the entire city. the world, even. his laugh sounded like the sweetest melody.

i can still hear it sometimes.

i can still feel the touch of his fingertips on my naked body, making their way to my lips, touching them softly, as if preparing for the touch of his own lips. i remember the butterflies in my stomach that i felt every time he kissed me.

his kisses were always passionate, but deep and slow. he tasted like cherry blossoms. and salty sea water.

we had plans for the future. we wanted to apply to the same university in manchester and move in together as soon as possible. we were supposed to adopt a dog, maybe two. to have successful jobs and kids. and to make love every single day for the rest of our lives.

too bad we didn’t know then that one of us would have his life brutally taken away within seconds; stolen from him for no reason. it was so fucking unfair. and none of that was ever his fault.

it wasn’t his fault that somebody decided to drive a car even though they’d had a couple drinks before.

it wasn’t his fault that they were driving too fast, not even paying attention to the road.

it wasn’t his fault that the car appeared out of nowhere and hit him before he even had a chance to react, to notice.

it wasn’t his fault that he suffered major injuries and died on his way to the hospital.

he left me nothing but sweet memories and pain. a few blissful words and a mind full of unanswered questions, the most important of them all being _“why?”_.

why did this have to happen to such a pure and beautiful soul? he never did anything wrong. he never did anything to deserve this.

he was only 18 - he had his whole life ahead of him, a thousand chances and a million things to experience. he could’ve been the brightest star in the night sky, shining above the world, lighting up the way for lost travelers.

and it hurts so much knowing that all of this was taken away from him because he was simply present in the wrong place at the wrong time.

i still can’t accept that he’s gone. i keep telling myself that he’s just away for a while; that he’ll come back home soon. though i know damn well that he won’t. he’s gone, forever, and there’s nothing i can do to bring him back, no matter how hard i tried; no matter how much i sacrificed.

but i guess grief is the price you pay for love.

if you love someone, you have to realize that they will eventually leave you behind; that you always have to pay the price.

but it really doesn’t make the pain any better. not for me.

i came to his house the other day. i entered through the back door, too afraid that if i used the other one, i’d have to confront his parents. i always hated small talk, especially with them. especially now that phil is gone, it’d just make things awkward. and depressing. and as i was already quite depressed on my own, i didn’t really feel the need to share other people’s pain. not now.

it was so weird being in his room without him in it. it almost seemed like a dream; a ghostly fairytale made out of thoughts and assumptions. for the first time ever, it was quiet, in contrast to phil’s laugh, which would always light up the room. any room, really. he was a bright spirit, full of joy and happiness, and he was never afraid to show that to the world.

_it’s so empty without him here._

i looked around the room, noticing all of the things that reminded me of us, of what we had. a stuffed animal i gave him for our one year anniversary. pictures of us taped to the walls. his blue covers that still smell like him. his laugh echoing in my head, sweet memories being replayed for the thousandth time.

making love in his bed. looking at the planets and stars through his telescope. reading poetry together with our bodies intertwined. planning our future step by step. wondering what we wanted our wedding to be like, and when’s the best time to get married.

i didn’t even realize that there were tears falling down my cheeks and screams coming out of my mouth, the feeling being bitter, but sweet at the same time.

i don’t think i’ve cried since his death. i felt empty. broken. my heart was in pieces, and yet i couldn’t cry. not even a single tear. not even a single scream. that is, until then.

his parents came rushing in, not even questioning my presence as phil’s father wrapped his arms around me just like phil used to, comforting me. but i wanted them to question it, to question why i was there, because maybe, just _maybe_ that would give me this stupid sense of normality and make things seem just a little bit okay, a little bit normal.

but they didn’t, and we just stayed like that, curled up in phil’s room, no words being spoken, no words being needed; our bodies trembling and tears falling down our faces, grief having taken over our minds and hearts.

it hurts so badly.

i’m afraid that one day i’ll forget it all; that all of these sweet memories i associate with phil will just disappear, leaving me with nothing but pain and heartbreak. an image of _him_ in my head, but blurred and faded away, like an old, stained photograph. what will i do when i’m left with nothing?

will it ever stop hurting? will i ever forget what it felt like to fall asleep and wake up next to him? how passionate his kisses always were?

i don’t think i want to forget, no matter how much easier it would be than hurting. i don’t want these memories to be gone. i don’t want phil to be gone; to forget about him and everything we’ve had and move on. it feels wrong to even think about moving on.

phil deserved better. he deserved to be loved, appreciated, and remembered.

_i swear i’m gonna remember him._


End file.
